Not A Girl/ Not Yet A Woman

A long overdue update

2005-12-03T05:37:23Z

Hello y'all. Hows everyone doing this holiday season?Im sure everyone is just so excited. I know I am. Things are going wonderfully for my husband and I and our children. The only unfortunate thing is I lost my Grandma just recently and my husband lost a grandpa and grandma of his. So I just feel terribly about that. Really people are misinterpreting things you know? Seriously he works his buns off for us to make a living and its not like he didnt want to be there for the funerals but he couldnt because of all the money going out that they'd lose you know and that would take from our childrens mouth so he was trying to make the best decision. His grandparents were always supportive of his career though, so they'd understand. He paid his respects the day before the funeral anyways at a candlelight vigil that was held. I attended the funerals in his place with his parents.It was real real sad, but when one life ends another just begins and I mean Im just so happy they all got to meet their grandchildren.My son and my daughter.

Oh yeah, oh my, im so sorry y'all. Geez you must have all been wondering. I had a beautiful baby girl April 19th of this year and my son just turned 3.He's a big boy already. She is just gorgeous and favors me in looks.My husband is just so incredibly taken back by her, he loves her to death.And our son is just amazing with her.He is such a good boy and adores his little sissy and she loves him. The good thing is we didnt have to worry about any jealousy. I think we've done a pretty good job raising our kids so far.My husband just wishes he got more time with us is all.Well I hope you all have a merry christmas and a happy new year!!

A family Extension

2004-10-12T09:10:11Z

Oh my stars! I have not updated this thing in ages.Lol. I am so very sorry.And meanwhile, just enough time has passed by to have a whole mess to tell. I feel UCKY!!!Blah, this is one thing that I can use some gettin use to.First of all, I wanted to share the wonderful news.Well...as some of you may or may not know, I missed one of my monthly visits and on top of that, I was beginning to notice some of the same symptoms that I had first experienced through out the begining stages of my pregnancy with my son early on in the pregnancy.So, I decided to take a home pregnancy test in which confirmed that I am indeed.I took 3 actually. Because y'all can never be too sure when it comes to these things.And 2 of them read pregnant and the other read not pregnant.So, the majority over-rules right?Lol.I suspect that I am nearing the mid 2nd month-early 3rd month.Now, I was a little skeptical about announcing this right away due to my unfortunate miscarriage that I suffered some odd months ago early on in the pregnancy as well, so I questioned whether or not I would address this issue even,but as it would seem i'm already a little over 2 months and seem to be carrying very well and the fetus is as healthy as an ox as far as they can tell from what little they have to go off of,I decided that even though there's always still a slight chance,the most fragile part of the pregnancy we'd already got passed and it is now safe to inform everyone that I am "with child".It wasn't till just recently that my Husband found out for himself.Actually, he came to me and for some strange reason un-beknowenst he came up from behind me and placed his hands on my belly and kissed my neck and softly asked "We're pregnant again aren't we?".My eyes got all wide and I felt almost like I could vomit again,HOW COULD HE KNOW?No one did.I hadden't told a soul yet.Not after how bad he wanted the last one and I miscarried.But,of course I confirmed his suspicions with a "mmmhmm" it was all I could utter out.He then procceeded to ask me about how far along I was and if I felt anything unusual like I did with this last pregnancy before this and I said no and that for the most part,this pregnancy seemed to be pushing along just fine.I'm still not sure what his real feelings are on this?????It's deffinitely going to be a challenge,since we already have one that is coming up real fast to hitting his terrible 2's.(oh how psyched mommy is about that).So yep good old mornin sickness is back.

Now, on to somethin else. My Brother and I got into a BIG fight. I feel like we are driftin away rather then closer and its just disheartenin.He can just be SO self-centered and egotistical and I believe our mama has raised him to know better then to treat the girls in the manner that he does.Mama always tought him to treat girls with respect.Apparently he has been sleepin around and leavin poor girls broken hearted and under the impression that they were "dating".Not only that, but he is so ignorant. I found myself VERY disappointed to find him almost in the same situation I was in when I found out I was pregnant with my son.There was this slight off the wall chance that he'd gotten this girl pregnant that he was off and on with,in which they just so happened to be OFF at the time they happened to fool around.Fortunately, she wasn't/isn't pregnant.But I thought he would have atleast learned.Of course he just brushed it off.He isn't taking ANY of this serious, or atleast as serious as i'd like.I don't want to see him settled down as a father this young.I mean...he's got so much potential that he doesn't see but I do..and still has the chance that I didn't due to my first pregnancy.I just would hate to see him blow it damn it.On top of that, I've been informed that my sister-in-law has cut on more then a few occasions.I found that quite disturbing that she is so young and so intelligent and has resorted to this kind of method.I was somewhat aware that my Husband had once had thoughts about this himself, but I was not under the impression that he actually ever went through with it. I learnt that he too, had went through the "cutting" phase a couple years ago,however,although it was not serious nor life threatening, his parents did seek professional help for him.He said he hasn't done it since.So now, that is what is in question.As to whether or not they are going to have her seek counseling as well.Dear lord,it's just so sad.She's so young and I really did not see that coming to tell the truth.Yet again, my Husband said he hid it well too.I suggested that he talk to her.So he did a little.But for the most part it was just uncomfortable.I do think it did help her a little though, to have her brother to whom she's very close with,share his own story.

Well sweetie pie's.That is enough.I am very tired and am feeling the morning sickness rearing its ugly head.So god bless y'all.
<3

Southern Mama

2004-09-12T04:13:50Z

Hi how are y'all doing?Me?Oh, I'm doin alright I s'pose.I've had a few spouts with my Husband recently but nothin we haven't really came to atleast once before.Its a path already traveled that we've been taken in a complete circle to wind up back here. It's very frustrating but well,I'll manage and so will he.Dispite how stubborn and pig-headed he can be at times, I still love him with all the love my heart can spare.I couldn't have picked a better man to father my baby. With all the love and the passion he has for everything he devotes himself to.I love his drive for music,just...the zest he has for life in itself.Our son has a lot of zest to himself just as well(much like his Daddy).God Bless his lil beatin heart.It angers me however that whenever our son is misbehaving or acting in an ill manner....my Husband says "go take care of YOUR son" or whatever. Or whenever our son is being clingy and in a babbling mood(which is often lately) and he don't feel like dealing with it because he's got too much on his mind so he will tell me to take him some place else or something so he can hear himself think.Most the time he is good about this though.That's about all that gets to me, like..I mean REALLY gets to me.
He has got better and continues. We are already back to speaking again. He sat me down and talked to me and explained to me that he would appreciate if I could speak directly to him when we have a problem instead of speaking through my Mother. Which I do have to admit,I often go to my Mother for moral support only because I don't know how to approach the subject and am so afraid of screwin it up.I just love him so dearly!And I know he knows that but sometimes he acts like he forgets.I miss y'all though.And everything is going good for us now.We worked it out.Thanks Mama...once again!Well I can hardly believe my eyes, my buba is turning 2 already!My lil pumpkin is growin so fast for his Mommy. I want to cry sometimes thinkin about how before we know it we will be sendin him off to College (that is, if that's the path he chooses to travel).Well hmmm , I am traveling to some exotic places that I have never been to before so that will deffinitly be an interesting experience for all of us and to see the differently cultures outside of us "Americans".Hehe.Well y'all i'm sorry but I have to go. My son is being a lil cranky butt.
<3Anne

nataliebryant @ 2004-08-31T00:27:00

2004-08-31T08:18:35Z

Hi how y'all doin tonight?Or should I say technically this mornin? I'd say my Husband and I are switching sleeping patterns.My whole sleep schedule is off.For the most part my son does tend to have his own sleep schedule,and its pretty decent as apposed to what it was.He was never too colicky fortunately and god bless his lil curious heart because his Momma wouldn't be able to function off that kind of sleep , i'd have very un-attractive dark circles under my eyes and it would not be a look for kissin.lol.However, recently he has developed into the habit of waking up at night in a crying fit due to nightmares maybe?Poor lil sweet heart.And so my Husband and I have been letting him sleep with us.Which isn't too much of anythin new to either of us because he'd climb into our bed and cozy up next to us either way.Needless to say,that is why I am awake ,he's already woke up for the night in his crying fit , well,that and his restlessness tossing/turning/kicking (too much like his Daddy there).His GrandPap suggested that we no longer feed him any snacks after supper and of course I think that the coffee his Daddy has been putting in his sipper may be playing a little role in this.

Great!That's all I need?2 coffee pheenes.Ha.Coffee is a big hit in our house,y'all can never have too much of that in our house? It's like coffee, coffee or MORE coffee. My Husband is seriously a coffee shop and pub junkie.lol.He's gettin a lil better, not so many trips to Star Bucks.People have been so awfully kind lately and incredibly giving and I just wanted to tell y'all I do appreciate it so very much.My lil country bumpkin pumpkin is gettin SO big, he's gettin a lil heavy for his momma to carry. But that's not such a bad thing to him, I mean...yeah..he use to constantly have to be held.He was like that one commercial where the baby would cry every time his feet would touch the ground when his Momma would try to put him down,but when she picked him up..the lil tike was just as happy as could be.That's how my son was for the longest, but he's become quite the independent lil boy.When you put him down, you actually have to watch him because he will run off.Just like his Daddy, all over the place and just a bundle of energy.I swear, I myself and his Daddy and Aunts and Uncles all have our work cut our for us trying to keep up with him.He knows exactly what he's doing lol.He keeps me on my toe's.He also likes to play hide and go seek with us.He's scared his Mommy on more then just a few occasions, and as unusual as the hiding places are, his daddy manages to always discover him first.Specialists in baby/toddler development have actually said he has a unusually keen sense of hand/eye coordination and is very much advanced for his age.He will be 2 within a couple months.Must be all the teaching his Daddy has doing to bring out the musical bones in his body that runs in his family.

Well...my girlfriend finally went back South to pursue taking College courses.And its kinda sad to say the least, seein her like every day and then she's just gone and next thing you know yunz are only getting a few phone calls and text messages here and there.It was very hard for her boyfriend/my brother-in-law especially to detach themselves from eachother even though they do fight a lot them two are VERY much in love and its so friggen cute.lol.I miss u babe,if ur reading.~smiles~So besides all that we are moving along just great after the miscarriage incident the sting isn't so bad as it was at first.Mostly thanks to all y'all's massive support and prayers,my incredible and loving Husband and his strong sense of motivation and my beautiful baby boy.Anywho I think I'll be getting some sleep so night night to y'all.Godbless.
<3Anne

Hello Sweethearts

2004-08-01T18:47:29Z

Hello sweethearts

How ya'll doing on this fine sunny sunday mornin?I
miss going to church and praisin the good lord on
these days or the family quality time together momma
reserved these here days for.Lol, sorry my southern
accent is coming off real strong here.Please girls,
don't mind.Ha.Well as you can see some odd months have
past since the loss of our youngest.It was and still
is very unfortunate but we know our little one is
watching over us every second of every waking day from
hers or his little cloud in the sky and making it
easier for us in any way possible to its little self.I
know that we would have been real proud.We most
certainly are proud of our baby boy, actually I
shouldn't say that.Ya'll should see him, he's gettin
soooooooo big and has quite a strong character to him.

He becomes more and more of his own individual as
each day passes by.I'm fraid i'm not catching it all.
With everythin going on I couldn't possibly witness it
all. =0( And its a shame. Because he's a beautifully
developed smart little one.Always making me smile.
Yes, I did have some doubts when we first found out I
was expecting with him, But now every mornin I wake up
and kiss his little hands and his little feetsie's and
can't help but be amazed that I'm his very own Momma
and through our young and somewhat naive love..his
father and I created this very own human being. It
started out a lil edgy, I mean we were all scared to
be truthful, it was our first time and we just wanted
to do it right like every parent. I mean, I of course
wanted to be as good of a Mother to my baby boy as my
Momma was to me and my younger brother and upbring him
right, and of course my Husband comes from a quite
large family and they are so closely-knit(which I am
still so jealous of and still,though not quite as bad,
feel like i'm intruding and wonderin how I am gonna
squeeze in)so he can only hope to be the man his
father was,supportive in every step of our sons
life,and our son be just as good of a man.Our son, a
man?Lordy,I don't know if I could picture that.Bless
his little heart but I want him to stay little forever
but he's already aging too quick.

My husband and I decided it's gonna be a while yet
until we decide to try for another due to the
accident, and due to the realization that no matter
how fun our son is and absolutely adorable he is, even
when in chaos,he's still a handful in itself so we are
just gonna hold off on that.I also have to say,
through this mother-hood thing, not only have I
learned the best of me, my husband,my son and my
family and in-laws, but my Brother.I've gotten real
sappy.Lol, Mom says its part of the motherly
development.My Brother is almost ready to graduate, 1
more year left for him, his Senior year and he'll be
out. I swear he's cleaned up so well and got so good
lookin, he's taken after our dad.Not to mention he's
got girls up the rear callin him up and talkin and
stuff.He's on varsity in football,club president in
the social commitee, or something to that extent?I
been spendin some time with him lately, he's been a
great uncle to his nephew, he just loves him.It's so
cute.He drives now also,I just never imagined my
brother to ever grow up, but then here I am, the same
girl who use to play barbie dolls and dress up,now
have a precious moment doll of my own(my son) and
playing dress up with my son raisin a kid of our
own,married to the greatest man of my life.

I spo'se I should be goin though, but ya'll take
care your so kind and sweet to have left me your
prayers and thoughts.We appreciate it greatly.
<3Anne

Dead To the World

2004-03-30T23:38:50Z

To Mommy's precious little gift, the one I lost. I know that your Father and I never really got to know you, but still, I know you more then he did at least. I got to feel you, you were barely there, but I could still feel you...Mommy knew you were there. Your Daddy says he envy's me, because I got a little time to know you, to spend with you until the Lord decided that, that day was your day to come back to him, so seen. I always knew you were special, but it was from that moment on that I knew you must have been REALLY special in order for him to miss you and want you back so soon. You know, it's true, what they say.You know?About not knowing what you got until its gone. That could quite possibly be one of the wisest things known to man-kind and I would have taught you this too one day my sweet little child.It breaks my heart to know that I'll never get to know your personality, I'll never get to feel the joy of you reaching out to me because Mommy makes it all better of course!!I'll never get to hold you in my arms, so tiny, so helpless,so absolutely amazing and just so beautiful, causing me to forget about all the pain I just endured through your labor. I'll never know what you would have been like and if you'd be a Mommy's little girl/Mommy's little boy or Daddy's little girl/Mommy's little boy, I'll never know your first words, or your first steps.I miss you already sweet child of mine, and we've hardly known each other.Just know that I never ever wished this upon you, I know at first I may have been a little hesitant, but I really was and wanted to be happy, you must know this. I must know that you knew how much I loved you already. I still blame myself. I almost hate myself for this. They say that I will get over this soon enough, how soon is soon enough?Because I don't think they even know. They say "don't worry, you can have others!" HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?THAT IS SO INSENSITIVE.I don't WANT others, call me selfish, but I wanted YOU. How can god just give me you and then so quickly take you away?You were your own individual, maybe there will be others down the road, but they will never be you, I'll never know what you could've been. It hurts, it feels like a BIG piece of me is missing and I'll never regain it.Your Daddy really loves you, he was so excited for the day you were going to make your entrance into this world...even though you had barely even developed, but he definitely loved...or I mean...loves you.Please watch over him, he isn't doing too well.Will miss our little Angel.We love you with all of our heart. ~Love Mommy~ Rest in Peace

>>>>>Well, I've been cramping really bad and bleeding excessively but the Doctor said that, that is one of the symptoms to be expected after a miscarriage. My Husband and I have barely spoken a few words to each other since the accident. I'm just glad that our son is too young to understand this and know his brother or sister is gone. I think I want him to know about his "would've been" sibling. Argh, I got to go, I can't take this anymore, all this fake sympathy, they don't know what its like.>:0(
<3 Anne

It doesn't matter anymore

2004-03-26T19:02:11Z

I knew there was a reason for why I didn't tell anybody and he and I kept it a secret between the both of us. In case complications like this were to happen. Beings my pregnancy with my son held its risks and was very long and grueling. At first we didn't know if he was going to make it, but he did and his Father and I both are grateful to have him.I haven't posted in a while due to the fact that I have been in the Hospital for complications held in my following pregnancy and failing to follow the Doctors orders to stay on Bed rest through out this whole pregnancy. But he don't understand that I have a very energetic 1 year old running around getting into everything, and my Husbands business causes us to travel a lot, and just, gah. I have SO many mixed emotions right now. I'm sad, quilted, angry,relieved. I don't think my Husband is taking this as well as he'd like to think.Of course not Anne, he was the one who looked forward to this more then any of us.How could I be so stupid? If only I had followed the Doctors order, maybe our baby would still be alive? R.I.P. Baby Jaden or Dawn.You will be missed.

I've been crying ever since I found out. It's almost like I knew it from the beginning, maybe that's why I regretted being pregnant so much, going through this again. My body just isn't meant for this kind of stress, I'm amazed our little boy even arrived here as happy and healthy as he is.*sighs* Why do I always mess up? God, I feel so bad now for even not being sure I wanted to be happy when I found out I was pregnant again right when I found out.Does that make me a bad mother? Why couldn't it just be stomach cramps? They say everything happens for a reason, but why? Is it better this way? I mean, I don't think I can find myself to believe this. And my Husband has been very quiet lately and to himself. I miss him, and yet he's right here next to me.What's wrong?Maybe its because I had a miscarriage?Hmmm I wonder.Well I can't bring myself to talk about this any more, this events still pretty new to me.
~Anne~

Hell on Wheels

2004-01-28T18:57:45Z

Just wanted to update ya'll in case yunz were wondering being the kind people that you are.I dont doubt it for a second. I'm doing alright, with the occasional vomiting,sleep deprivation, and mood swings. Gah, it seems like I just cant get comfortable any more. I guess you can say that is just one of the many things I am beginning to miss. I didn't relies just how much I appreciated sleep.Lordy.I'm putting on weight as well. Isn't that just so wonderful!(if you didn't know, I am being sarcastic). My husband says that I still look as beautiful as ever, but come on...I've always been skinny fit into small sizes and this whole gaining weight thing isn't exactly knew, but then again it wasn't the part of pregnancy I enjoyed either. I feel so ...blah! And then I think the other day I got jealous because an old good female friend of my husbands past to whom actually was romantically involved with him at one point in time came over to visit after not seeing each other in a long long time. And he seemed VERY pleased to see her.She's beautiful too.I guess sometimes I can't help but to feel threatened.And he assures me that he don't feel the way he once did for her anymore, but I think by little hints she was throwing and how she was acting when around him, that she of course, still wasn't over him.So it was kind of awkward I guess. After words, he pulled me aside and asked me if there was something bothering me because I was awfully quiet while she was there and seemed some what distance(no really?I mean she's only BEAUTIFUL and then to top things off...here I am getting bigger and bigger by the second and she's got this perfect small frame GAH). I than began to yell at first and then he wrapped his arms around me, then I began to cry and told him that I felt ugly and told him how much I love him and I could never stress losing him enough.He just laughed and assured me that I won't lose him and there is nothing to worry about.I mean, but I mean their whole "thing" ended under unfortunate and sudden circumstances. I don't know much about when her and him were together, but I just get the feeling that he really loved her.-sighs-

I'm just being stupid.I think.Plus, I feel bad because I've noticed when he rolls over beside me in bed and goes to kiss me like he usually does, I've been a push-over and go "come on honey, not now, I don't feel like it!" because I mean h-e-l-l-o I just got over the pleasant puking thing. That's gross, I know I feel yucky enough having that HORRID taste in my mouth. My son is getting faster then I can even keep up with. Oh lord, I wont get into that. He's my little terrorizer.Anyways, I feel drained so I am going to go.Hope y'all are good.
<3 Anne

Christmas

2003-12-29T22:43:11Z

Well Christmas was definitely on the good side. It was very chaotic but much the less joyful and as always "meaningful" I think this year maybe even more then the last. It was a present received more between my husband,my son, and myself and both our familys. I guess you can say a family gift. Needless to say, we all cherished it with the amount it was intended to have received when it was given. And who says the materialistic presents are what its all about? I think this Christmas Season, we all received a lesson on that. Perhaps this could be one of the greatest gifts one could receive, of course with the acceptance of my childs birth. What is it with the holidays bringing a new surprise all the time? First Halloween and now..well this one. My husband deffinitely enjoyed this years gift. most likely the most. Beings my son is still too young to understand.Besides.. he was more interested in the wrapping paper and pounding the buttons that light up which sat in front of him.

I have mixed feelings I think. Due to past experience with this. Oh joy, I think one thing I didn't miss is this sickness. :0( Blah. I feel so icky in the mornings. Wow, well its all for the best I guess. I've been slightly moody lately just as well, I guess it all fits together though now. Atleast it makes a bit more sense now then it did. My husband has been getting a little better and besides...I think I am a mush when it comes to the holidays. I think my whole perception of this all begin to be seen through rose glasses after this particular Christmas. I relies just what I have. And I'm glad I reliezed this now before it was possibly too late. One things for sure. There's definitely going to be change in this coming year. Well I have to go tend to the house chores because they aren't going to be done on their own.

<3 Anne

Do I know you?

2003-12-23T01:19:57Z

First and foremost I wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. If its anything

like ours then I am sure you'll need it haha. Now as for the note leavers-

Rude and Bland Ones: I really don't appreciate your coming to my journal and

judging me as if you actually know me enough TO pass judgment.I'm sorry if you

were under the impression that you knew me just by reading my diary but yeah, I'm

sorry, you do not. I would never go out of my way to undermine your authority or to

question your personal relationships. I can't understand why you'd want to do this

to me? As far as I know, I'm not hurting anyone. Nor would I EVER go out of my way

to hurt my family or my in-laws family by any means. So if your under this

impression , you couldn't be further from wrong and OBVIOUSLY really don't know me.

I'm just hurt by this. Also, how do you know my husband? And how do you know he's

amongst a crowed of night ravers with 100's of people all mobbed together in a club?

It very well could have been a look-alike, not that you even know what my husband

looks like in the first place.

As for the nice note leavers : I appreciate you sticking up for me in my defense

and being nothing but supportive through this rough past year. It has been very

hard for me and my husband and even when my sons life was being questioned.But more

importantly, he's here and he is very much healthy and continues to impact mine and

his fathers life as each day passes by. You have especially been VERY supportive of

my husband through this rough time and he appreciates it more then anyone else. So

once again, thank you.

Well a small update on me. I am doing alright, just got a small cold. Been out

and about with the boy and doing some HEAVY DUTY Christmas shopping. I have MANY

people to shop for... I mean my Husbands Family and my own.And I must say its been

an interesting experience. Took my Sister-In-Law shopping with me and did some

sisterly bonding time. -smiles- she's such a good little helper and VERY mature for

her age. She's always more then willing to lend a hand one it comes to my son and I

need to get some house work done around the house or run some errands. Dear lord, I

hate to think where I'd be without that girl. Bless her heart. It's so cute too,

because she has a boyfriend and they are just the cutest together. However I'm all

giving my husband advice because he wants to step in there and be the overly-

protective big brother PLUS his whole fatherly Instincts are kicking in,I'm just

like "Baby, give your sister her space, she's a young girl just as your a young man

now!" It's so cute though. You could only imagine. However, Im a little pissed at

how immature my husband has been acting lately and selfish. He knows how hard this

is for me, its still new to me being away from my family and everything and it just

seems like he does not understand, I mean he SAYS he does but I get the feeling it

is a whole different story. And he was doing SO good there for a while too. I mean

he ALWAYS gets to hang out with his friends and I never get the chance to hang out

with mine because 1.) they are in a whole different state or 2.) I am busy taking

care of our son. In which hasn't exactly been easy lately, he's gotten into that

phase where he grabs and chews on ANYTHING he can get his hands on and is just ALL

over the place. So curious. I just wish my Husband would pay a little more

attention to how uncomfortable I am and home-sick. Gah.

Anyways, I am gonna get going,gonna put our baby in the bath with his daddy.

Smells like parmesan Cheese. Yuck!!!! Stinky Feet Cheese.

God Bless
<3 Anne

My lil Pumpkins 1 already

2003-11-10T01:29:43Z

Hi ya'll. I'm sorry I haven't been responding to comments or even the best on updates but I have just been extremely busy. The week before last we were even more busy then we usually are.My son celebrated his first Birthday.It seems like he was born just yesterday and then here he is already walking and crawling and a year old Celebrating his first Halloween. Now THAT was definitely a interesting experience. He was very frumpy when it came to having to wear a costume.All he was interested in was getting that thing off and stripping down to just his diaper.(which he eventually did but he was crying for a while).Plus everyone else in costumes I think scared him just a little too.He was constantly in Mommy's arms lol.He does that when he is around a lot of people he is not familiar with. We dressed him up as a little Pumpkin.He was SOOOOOOOOOOOO cute. We took TONS of pictures, those are going to be some good memory's. Yeah I think he was more interested in his cake more then anything. We got him his own little cake and set him in a high chair and let him eat it himself so he felt kin dove independent you know?When Mommy tried helping feeding him he squealed and started patting the tray ,shaking his hands saying "no,no!All though his temper tantrums can be a big handful, for some reason this time it was really quite cute.By the the time he was done eating he had cake all over his face,squished between his fingers and on the trey.Oh boy was that interesting. Too bad his Daddy was a little busy though.=0(. I think he really wanted to be more involved then he was but he had things to tend to.That's okay we celebrated his birthday the night before with just close friends and family.
I seen my family.Which was very nice for me. I think we get along a lot better when I haven't seen them for a while and then I do finally see them again. I think we just appreciate each others company a lot more. My brother was being kin dove ignorant and ignoring me most the time. It seems like everyone else and my son , he was more interested in then me. But I guess that's to be expected of a 17 year old boy. And plus sense he is kin dove popular and involved in the homecoming comity, he's gotten a little better then the rest of us I guess. I figure I'll just give him his space for now.I really wish we could be closer though.Even though he can be a jerk and I hate when he is always right or at least THINKS he is, I still love him and I relies this more then ever now.Maybe its being so far away,being married and having a child of my own to raise, that changes my whole perspective.I just hope something changes his soon enough too.Well anyways, baby woke up from his nap. God Bless ya'll.
<3Anne

My becon Of Hope

2003-10-24T21:23:48Z

To those of you who know me, you know all the reasons I love my husband and you also know that its so clearly obvious that you don't even have to ask anymore. Honestly, I really don't see why I must defend myself...but you see it isn't a waste of my time to defend such a thing beings I love to speak of my love for him and if it helps people to better understand just exactly why I do, well then so be it.;-p. The first time I set eyes upon my husband, there was something within me telling me that he couldn't't be just ANYBODY...there was something that made him particularly special then the rest of the guys I was involved with in my past. I mean certainly he was and still is beautiful but that most certainly is not the reason for my liking to him.Staring is an action that reflects bad mannerisms is what my Momma always told me as a child but good lord I really couldn't't help it I was really drawn to him. Then I swear I couldn't't believe it when he approached me, he seemed just as shy and nervous about the whole situation as I did, we got a good bit of words in with each other and I felt a pretty deep connection when we did. Well it was a touch and go thing I mean I gave him my number but hardly expected him to call and when he did I was very happy. We went on a few dates and found that we both had taken a liking to each other and decided to make it official. We began seeing more and more of each other at the beginning of the relationship. I mean, it seemed like either I was always on the plane to see him or he was always flying down to see me. My feelings grew stronger each and every time my hands were held within his and we would just walk the streets as if we had no cares, no worries and look at the beautiful city lights or the serene parks and just the way he'd smile at me...I felt special,honestly i'd never been looked at in that way.It also made me feel beautiful too.
Things seemed to get pretty hectic and at the same time that our feelings were becoming stronger, I thing we really weren't sure what to do beings neither of us had really been in a serious relationship like his and mine so commitment kind of scared us, I think him more so though. So we kin dove began to go the complete opposite direction, he was busy but he allowed himself to be swept up upon this business a little too easily and I didn't really object too much so we began to see less and less of each other. And it was upon this that I actually began to relies that when he wouldn't call me, I began to miss it,I couldn't sleep because his voice had become so soothing that it was habit forming, the way we'd talk about what his schedule consisted of and would laugh at how open and predictable mine was,we'd tell each other how much we missed each other and the crazy events going on in his life at that point(which was always interesting to hear because there was always a new one every time),things such as that. I guess though that while he was away his feelings kin dove grew fainter..which was the exact opposite of me, I found myself in my room crying a lot lately and my self-esteem dropping lower and lower.I remember the one time he finally did call me, he wasn't really talkative and was kin dove disconnected. I could tell it was really hard for him to admit but he told me that he wasn't certain this was right and that there was someone that he thought he may have feelings for...meaning beyond JUST a friend and apologized excessively but he didn't want to hurt me when he didn't think/feel he was giving his WHOLE heart to our relationship, so he suggested we take a break and maybe see other people.We agreed to remain friends though.
Well he and this girl began to become quite close and connected really well, every time we talked (which usually was when I'D call his cell)he seemed really happy and into her, and I would just become worse and worse. He'd comfort me excessively and assure me that his feelings for me were still there and could never die,and on some occasions even sing for me(I love his voice,you don't understand).I just wanted him to come back to me, to relies how much he needs me and how much I needed him.My heart felt so empty and incomplete and school became a little harder because I just couldn't concentrate..I'd be wondering what he was doing at that time and just little things like that but I still managed to keep my grades up SOMEHOW. At one particular point ah, it was horrible beyond horrible, I felt bad intruding on him and his personal life like that but I felt like it was the end for me I wanted to die.I called him up and our conversation was actually like 3 hours long but in the end comforting,I told him I was miserable without him. Then I actually ended up going down there and seeing him he consoled me,but still seemed a little distant, I really don't know HOW it happened but I do know I was particularly vulnerable at that point and just knew that he was all I wanted so badly that I really didn't object and we began to fool around and some how ended up having sex.Sure we bonded but I don't really feel like it was all there like it should have been, I mean IT DEFINITELY was for me,GOD I LOVED/LOVE him so much and this became quite obvious to me but he actually acted strangely towards me after that and it was just awkward ,so I went back home ...I actually thought hope was lost between us, but when I actually skipped a period I kin dove became scared beings my husband and I wernt exactly in the most steadiest relationship and I'M ONLY A TEENAGER!!!!!!!!!!I went to my mother and discussed the possibility with her and well, in the end I actually ended up being pregnant.I feel kind of bad throwing this on him like this, ex specially beings that night was kind of unexpected for the BOTH of us, it just sort of HAPPENED.But I mean he is a wonderful and extremely mature guy so I knew he'd understand and he did.We both were scared at first but like in all actuality that didn't last before long until that grew to excitement...dang...ex specially for him. We decided to try to work things out and everything between the two of us and put forth the extra efforts, upon discussion he said that he decided that we actually should get married for obvious reasons and because he'd done some heavy thinking and believed that he actually did/does love me and that I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.I WAS SO HAPPY,LET ME TELL YOU!!!!!!No objections there,I love him and our child and I was glad he not only wanted to be a part of our child's life, but mine as well.This made things a little easier for me.He definitely was very supportive through it all, yes even facing the wrath of my infinite b*tchyniss caused from the rapid mood swings.But really, we do love each other deeply and grow closer to each other more and more as time passes by.At first it was questionable, but I become more and more comfortable with the situation as time progresses and I think he does as well.So yeah lol.Wow, I'm crying.Okay I think I have to go now...my son and I are at home(my parents house) and I guess my brother had something planned for us both today.God Bless ya'll.<3Anne

Not Pregnant

2003-10-08T23:34:38Z

Well fortunate enough I guess the big man upstairs was listening to my prayers and my test results came back negative. I cannot begin to tell you how much of a relief that this actually was for me to find out. I mean don't misconstrue what I've said because obviously I'd love the baby even if I had been pregnant and would have found a way to cope with it and actually be a parent to my best ability and everything but its just that right now I don't think would be the best time to have yet another child I mean they should be spaced out just a little more in age that way when the next baby comes they will have the appropriate amount of attention just as my first born has been receiving. I mean I am still enjoying being a first time parent, wow, its hard to grasp ahold of though. ALMOST 1. Oh wow. I just think that the whole situation is better left unchanged if you know what I mean.Which means no one/nothing added and also means losing no one/or nothing. I think that my husband is just a little more disapointed then myself and actually is still hoping that there is some slim chance that I am pregnant. I keep trying to explain to him that I'm not and the results over ruled the one of MANY pregnancy tests that said I was pregnant. -sighs- geesh.Lol.

Other then this, my husband and I seem to be doing exstremely well on that note. He is so great to me and I actually think we have came to the point in our relationship where its just peaceful, we are content with eachother, our living arrangements(for the most part) and with who we are. I love him so much and it doesn't take all this to make me relies this, I mean I've loved him since the first time I set eyes on him and ever since I truly got to know him my heart has belonged to no other. His constant care for everyone else just baffles me. I'm a lucky woman and my son has thee most wonderful father I believe.Just as I'd dreamt as a child,he'd have.Well anyways god bless ya'll.
<3Natty

To Note Leavers

2003-10-04T20:05:00Z

My husband has told me several times not to even bother with this beings that he too was faced with stuff like this and even botherd for the longest time but them finally learnt to just ignore it and let it all slide, and for the longest time I have agreed with and respected his wishes. But this has actually gotten to the point where it is just extremely out of hand and ridiculas.I don't know why I even bother, yet I do. Let me explain myself on MY behalf. This journal is a journal of mine for me to vent about MY personal life and my family problems simply because I do not have the time to go to a counseler and for specific reasons it will all just get blown WAY out of proportion, not that this hasn't either.I see absolutely no reason what-so-ever for all this drama that has been created. I don't mind you note leavers at all, you are more then welcome, I've chosen to keep this a public journal open to anyone who by any chance for some reason comes across it for instance by using the "interests" search. I welcome ya'll. I love hearing from you guys because the majority or you are just the sweetest little thangs to whom are very very witty and just amaze me.

Now as for you others, I really don't understand why you just intrude in here like this and pretend to be those involved in my personal life that are very close to me, just to be close or make a mockery of me for some god known reason that I can't even begin to imagine. You think you know me but you actually have no idea. Just because you read my journal doesn't automatically make you my best friend. I am sorry but I am a person to whom has a hard time finding trust for people, exspecially online due to all its trickery. I'm sorry if I have offended you but it is kindove disrespectful the way you have treated me when I myself, have done nothing of the sort to you just continue writing about my life and recent involvements. So I ask that you please quit being so spiteful otherwise I am afraid I will have no choice but to resort to making this a "friends only" journal. And I really see no point in doing such a thing. As I said, I don't mind people reading this if they by any chance stumble across this.

Thanks to everyone who has been supportive of my husband and my own relationship from the beginning, I really do appreciate it. It has been sort of hard and we have actually had our share of people to whom doubted us but we continue to prove them wrong as each day passes by and we work through our problems like normal human beings have been taught to do. We are no different then any others for those of you to whom THINK you know us.So please, don't treat us any different then you would someone passing by. Also thank you for your best wishes and just expressing interest in our little boy, he really has been a joy for us and we are grateful to have him. I hope you have had as much fun reading about him as we have had talking about him. Hopefully you feel you have somewhat gotten the opportunity to watch him grow and develop just as we have through the pregnancy and up to the arrival of him.;-p. Its all just been a great experience.

Well just thought that I would voice this.Thank you very much. I appreciate it. It is just not nice to judge someone unless you truly do know them, unfortunately I have that problem quite often with people doing this to me. I hope none of you do, for your sake. Thanks.<3 Nat

nataliebryant @ 2003-09-13T14:52:00

2003-09-13T21:49:10Z

Hi ya'll

Things have been mildly hectic lately and my stress level has been a little bit higher then usual and not just because of mommys little terrorizer!In acctuallity its just due to the whole current situation and the on's and offs or ups and downs. I can't say I can handle this nor am used to being FACED with dealing with the kind of stuff I have been thrown to deal with lately. I relise its been a while but I am still adapting to this all, I'm that kind of a person.I come around on my own schedule.

>>>I've actually vistited my Docter due to stomatch pains that felt like a hot fire poker being stabbed into me only to find that I have a few alsors. Which is great because this came pretty early on but for some reason it didn't really suprise me. When I talked to my mother on the phone the other night, we discussed the possibilitys of what it might be and that was actually one that came to mind. However, my husbend was actually quite shocked, he honastly didn't think it possible beings I am only 19 and we both are quite young. He has been so sweet to me though lately, which helps me a lot. He pays very close and special attention to even the smallest things are bothering me and makes extra effort to ask me what's wrong and sit down and counsol me through it. He's also been a WONDERFUL daddy. Perhaps he's even done a better job being a father then I have been doing being a mother. I'm just saying that I haven't exactly been in the right mind to properly tend to things and to devote my full and undevided attention to my son and being RIGHT on top of where he is at,what he is doing or WHAT he's got in his mouth(like I usually do , am).Which I must say he and I are VERY fortunit his daddy was around when I wasn't. He got into a few Mr.Yucky no no's.

>>>>>>>On another note though, a much better one. My husbend and I somehow got onto the topic of our son being one very soon. That has been ranking on my mind a lot. I'm glad to hear he and I both seem to pretty much be on the same page and just like, equally blown away that he is already turning one. Good lord, he has gotten so big and his facial features are basicly developed and let me tell you heavans does he look just as charming as his daddy. I'm so in love with him. I share my secrets with him and its like he knows. He just grins,wraps his arms around my neck and then puts his tiny chubby little hand on my mouth. He's teaching me so much about life and he's not even one yet. This all has been such an amazing exsperience for both his father and I.He's deffinitly brought on just as much joys in being a parent as he has scares.He's SO big, if he gets much bigger mommy might have a hard time toteing her little booger around.

>>>>>>My son has a very short word span but he can talk. Some of the words amongst those are Gamma (in translation,Grandma-reffering to my mother-in-law),NaNa(nanna-which is what he calls my mother,his other Grandmother), MaMa(momma), DaDa(Daddy),Wookit(Look it, in which he says and points), NoNo (whixh is the cutest little thing, if he doesn't want something or doesn't want to play or be held he says "NoNo and waves his little hands side to side like a windshild wiper) and a few other words. He's so intelligent. I'm VERY proud of him. It's like he already knows how to flirt when the oppertunity comes to him too JUST like his daddy.Lol. When people sit their and google over him or give him a compliment he just giggles,shreals and grins shyly. The other day a very nice woman approached me and told me how adorable my baby was. I was very flatterd, of course her child was quite cute as well and I made sure to make note of that.=0).Its always great to meet people like that. We just got to make sure that our son doesn't get a big head from this all.Well he already has a big head which makes him have a hard time balancing(so he can't quite walk, but oh boy is he working on it) but wow that's besides the point, I meant figureitably speaking.;-p.

>>>>Well I'm going to go on that note.God Bless your hearts.

<3 -LilPiglits Mommy

Hi

2003-07-08T19:29:26Z

Hi how ya'll doing? Whew, well my husband,the baby and I are all doing just fine. Its been pretty hectic lately or something to that exstent. But its been fun.I got the oppertunity to meet a few nice people on Sunday. Hi ya'll if your reading this.:D -sighs- well my best girlfriend from back home is up here visiting for a lil while longer she'll be leaving here in a few days or so. I don't know I bet we'd all like to know whats going on with her and my husbands brother but those two are just so-off-and-on you never know whats going on from one time to the next.They are cute though. Its just my friend is busy trying to persue her career as independent model or something along those lines , and then he's off doing his own thing and so the two of them kindove do their own little thing and part ways and then will end up making up. The problem is he hardly calls her like she'd like. Guys have this phone phobea.Plus they live so far away -sighs- but thats how it was with my husband for the longest time..it was hard but look at where we are at now? And we now have this beautiful little baby boy who is just growing up too darn fast for his mommy and daddy.=( makes mommy kindove sad to tell the truth.

Any hoot Ill see you all later.

Hmmm?

2003-06-27T18:26:48Z

nataliebryant
Magic Number	13
Job	Writer
Personality	Procrastinator (If The Apathy Doesn't Kill Me)
Temperament	As High As A Very High Kite
Sexual	Just Say No
Likely To Win	The Lottery
Me - In A Word	Whirlwind
Colour
Brought to you by MemeJack

Officially a year

2003-06-11T18:37:00Z

How are ya'll doing? I know that things have been going pretty

well for me lately. The mear fact that my husband and I got

through a whole year despite what many people had to say in

their point of view in our marriage just blows me away , there

were times that we came close enough to know what we'd be

missing without eachother that was more then enough to show us

that we're a lot better off WITH eachother. I've been watching

the recoarding of our wedding video over and over and I can't

help but re-live that moment...in which is why I watch it

because its like, that's never going to happen again and like,

I could never be this happy with anyone else. He's my one and

only , the one I'm meant to grow old with , have a family of

our own to love with , and he may not tell me as often as he'd

like.. but he tells me frequently how much he loves me and how

beautiful and perfect I looked in my wedding dress standing

there at the alter baring our child in my womb.

Here we are a year later, yes that is right, a year

later. Things have been hectic but still better then ever I

think. I guess while he and I had our disagreements, all those

times I just coulden't bring myself to speak of anything

pertaining that. And there were just times I couldn't help but

to cry because i'd be foolish enough to even give our

marriage's "worst" critics the oppertunity to get to me and to

even REMOTELY concider the chance that he and I would not make

it through it and somehow I wasn't making him as happy as he

could be. Even those nights he'd work all those late shifts and

was in between being a father to our son (which I know he

coulden't stress enough) , supporting myself and our child ,

being a husband and all he would sit with me despite my

stubberniss to talk or apologize first, would take my hand and

just hold me and not pry for me to talk and tell him what's

wrong its like he'd already know,he knew it was hard for me to

speak of it. But he also knew it was time to sit and talk, my

feelings meant more to him then some stupid pride in knowing

that he held out the longest, he would apologize. And that

meant a lot.

So it was our anniversary on Sunday. My mother-in-law, his

mother insisted on taking our son and said it would be no

problem at all. So come to find out, my husband had booked

reservations for a really nice elliquet resteraunt, he got me a

dozen roses , a teddy bear, a tiffany diomend necklece (which

is so beautiful) and the whole night with him. I of course

cried but this time it was a differen't type of crying...it was

more like for the same reason I cried on our wedding day. I'd

always herd of how great love could be...but I never imagined

that it could happen to me nor really pre-paired myself for

just how much it would blow me away. I got him a gold watch. He

seemed very pleased. So that was nice. Anyhow, just been busy

tending to the baby. It's so hard though when he gets cranky

and fusses because of the heat and everything and I just want

to run to him and hold him, I'm still getting used to the whole

let him cry thing. But I feel so cruel. Hmm, well guess I

shall be off. There's a load of laundry that still needs to be

done.God Bless yunz.

Busy Month

2003-05-15T23:47:41Z

Oh wow this past month has just really been rather hectic between seeing my family and friends back home,the holidays including the Easter fiasco with my son, my husband and I trying to mend our past and working hard to work out our differences, my husband having a busy schedule due to some legal issues that just now finally got sorted out.What sort of pisses me off though is the fact that his old boss actually took some of his "own" personal material and refuse to give it back, so meanwhile...my husband being the Dolly Lama he is..just agreed and there for him and his brothers have to make a few new things and there has been some changes.Apparently my father-in-law ex specially,isn't too happy with this, neither am I ,I mean my husband is so meek and keeps to himself so much when it comes to issues, that he would just rather let these people push him around so that he can keep peace,instead of confronting them.It's horrible.But oh well,It's part of his personality and I guess I wouldn't be lying when I say that part of him that is so hidden from the world,sweet and sensual interested me from the start and all are traits that I love him for.I mean,it's good he is that way, because I'm not really, I mean I tell it like it is so me and my brother-in-law (my husbands younger brother) sort of tend to argue at times ha,ha ...but we've gotten better on that issue and now we also have our strengths as to our alikeness's as well.

:sighs: well I got our son to sleep,although mommy hasn't been getting too much sleep.Lol.He is SO incredibly beautiful, he honastly reminds me of an angel when he sleeps.Well okay...all the way through the night ha,ha...otherwise I don't think so rationally when it's 3 in the morning and your cranky lol.But my husbend has been making effort to help out a lot more with that,so that's always great,and I'm sure he doesn't really just how much that means to me.The baby keeps getting bigger and bigger and I keep getting told by everyone:my folks,his folks,his siblings,my friends,his friends,etc. that he looks more and more like his father with every day.Which I must take this time to say is not a bad thing at all :smiles:.My husband calls him a HeartBreaker in the making and I call him "our little charmer that caused mommy stretch marks!" Ha,ha.It's so cute because everytime people tell my husband that our son looks just like his daddy..my husband blushes.Those two honestly have to be thee two most important men in my life.I love our family, and my husband and I have had our differences and problems, but I think that we have actually progressed in condition and things are running a lot smoother.I think it had more to do with lack of communication and we both weren't putting forth the extra effort, and now we are.Our son has brought us closer too I think.You must understand that our son is my husbands pride and joy, you can tell this just by all the affection he holds in his eyes when he's holding/singing to our baby (which by the way the baby loves and so do I).

I couldn't help but to notice that there was a few bland and disturbing notes left in my journal which were obviously meant for me to stumble upon at some point or another. Quite frankly it does hurt me to know that I am being judged for the nonsense people tend to make up in hopes to jeopardize my husbands and my own relationship, and also out of jealousy.I till this day don't understand..beings this all has taken a little time to get used to and I STILL have not fully adapted to this change.I mean please try to emphasize I am a small town girl,growing up in a suburb, I hardly ever got judged as harshly as I do know.I'm a normal human being,believe me I know and I don't think I'm a goddess or anything.Is it such a sin for me to have married my husbend and for us to have had a kid together?I'm sorry but neither of us have any regrets in the long run that I know of.So sue us for falling in love,I'm not sorry,we do love each other deeply I believe to the fullest and I am so grateful to him beings he's my strength when all the crap is coming down and when I cry to him because it finally gets to me with all this stuff people are saying.I mean why would people think or "assume" it was so horrible?It isn't..I assure you.So sorry about the things you have heard, and I am even more sorry if it disapoints you to hear this.I can emphasize with you people, I really can and if you'd just take the time to listen,you'd really know this.

Anyways,yeah,it's hurting my husbands feelings as well.=( . Hmm well, oh yeah I wanted to say that we received the most beautiful gift the other day that consumed a lot of time and effort as only stated by the obvious and we appreciate it greatly.We sent out our much thank you's of appreciations to the many people whom contributed to this project.Oh I'm sorry lol, don't mean to leave you in the shadows there..it's a baby quilt for our little son.So once again thank you,it's beautiful and he absolutly loves it and enjoys laying on his stomach with it.God Bless Ya'll.

<3 Anne

Breakfast in bed

2003-03-22T00:50:34Z

I woke up today to find my husband had suprised me with breakfast in bed. It was so incredibly I was truely very happy.I don't know why but he has just been sweet to me consistantly lately. It all just makes me relies just how much I love him and all the reasons why we married seem to come to me all at once. He's so great with our son,I just wish people could see how happy the 3 of us are when we are together. My son is already going on 5 months.Wow, to hear myself say that out loud just completly blows me away.How time does seem to fly,exspecially these past few years,things have deffinitly been hectic and had its up's and downs. Our son is getting so big within every passing day,maybe it's a mommy thing?

Seriously though ,I think I fall in love with him more and more every day.And he's just a little baby.Who would have known. I vowed to never love anyone else as much as my husband and I intend on keeping that vow, but my son is my only exception ,he understands completly though. I love watching the two of them play,it's so great.Yeah, our baby has been doing this thing recently were he just clings on to his daddy or I whenever 'Anyone' he's not really framiliar with approaches him.Anyways, my hubby made reservations for dinner tonight and I am just so excited, we haven't gotten out to do that too much ever since the birth of my son.Besides that we had our little spouts here and there.I think it was just coping to a whole new surrounding and new set of responsibilitys. Well that's all for now I guess.

Sorry for the lack of updates

2003-01-09T21:53:09Z

I add a disclaimer to today's entry...

This journal is a private record of my thoughts and feelings concerning events of my life. Because my life is a bit of an open book anyway, I give you access to my journal. You might find reading my journal boring or creepy. I completely understand that, and respond that you need not read it. Please know that what I write might not be totally PC. I do not mean to offend. What I write might be just a temporary feeling I am having. I'm not looking to make friends, enemies, or any kind of public statement or controversy. For those of you who take my journal too seriously, I apologize that you do that.

Again, I hope that my entries do not cause you to think less of me. I am just trying to live my life as honestly as possible. I write publically in hopes that if someone out there is having the same feeling that I am, they will know that they are not alone...

I feel that each one of us are original. Each one of us falls into so many categories. Unfortunately, other people in those same categories want to fault you if you are not exactly like they are. In the end, the only person that I can represent accurately and well is myself. Sure, I could try to be something I'm not. It might even come off believable. It might make people happier. It might make it easier for them to see me, knowing that they will see me behaving the way that they would like me too. But in the end, I will have betrayed myself. I don't want to represent anyone except me, and despite what I am told, I don't think I need to. I think that I am a good person. I think my faults make me whole and real. I treasure the things I know and that I'm not sure of. I like myself bad-habits and all.

I want my energy back. I'm so drained. I feel like I'm coming out of a coma. The last year of my life has been ridiculous - especially the last few months. I have managed to lose myself to personal issues. I just don't feel like me now, and so I'm trying to find the real me again. I am tired. Have you ever wanted to crawl in bed and not come out for weeks? Not even sleeping. Just laying there, without anyone. Maybe that's the problem... without anyone. Or maybe that's the solution...

I am tired of trying to please people. It never turns out right. Sometimes I think I am one of the few who actualy try though. Some people only care about themselves. It makes me sad. And then they get all attitudy when people don't do anything for them. You have to give before you get. Learn to be kind and courteous. Learn to be unselfish. Learn to fix the bad in you before you critisize the bad in others. That last one, I'm still working on. I am nowhere near perfect, I know. But I think I am a lot closer than some people.

Today is a bad day. I have my good days and then I have these days. I am getting irritated a lot latly. Especialy with my husband. I'm sorry to you, but I have my reasons. Many reasons.

<3 Anne

nataliebryant @ 2002-12-15T10:15:00

2002-12-15T16:22:58Z

I know I haven't updated in like a good month probably. Things have not been going that well.

The marriage is shaky, just like everyone said it would be. We are still teenagers! Sometimes I wonder if it was the right choice to make. It felt right at the time, but what if it was all just a whim. I do love my husband, but I should've known that we would've never had a normal, easy marriage. Or life...

Things just flat out suck.

I need some time alone, away from husband, away from the baby,away from this house, away from everyone and everything. I just want to be alone.

-Anne

nataliebryant @ 2002-11-13T20:08:00

2002-11-11T04:09:12Z

It's true, it's true. The baby has been born. He is beautiful. And we can't put him down. My husband and I are so proud and happy and... Just completely in awe of this amazing ... wow I can't get one full sentance out.

It is the most amazing feeling to be holding in my arms the symbol of mine and my husbands love. Now, I never thought I would be pregnant, married, and then a mother all while I was still a teenager. And I honestly never really expected to be pregnant before I was married. But life happens. Love happens. And I am in love. Now I have two people to love more than anything. My husband and my son.

<3 Anne

nataliebryant @ 2002-10-20T19:47:00

2002-10-21T00:56:19Z

i know i know... im a bad bad person. i should not have started this journal if i did not intend to update it.

hi. is this life? it seems so surreal. i am 19 years old. i am pregnant. i am married to a beautiful man who loves me unconditionaly. i live in the perfect house. i have the perfect family. life is... perfect.

i hate that word. perfect. because with perfection comes one thing. imperfection. does that make sense? if things are perfect,then something imperfect is sure to follow... right? i am scared to know what that imperfection is going to be. does this make any sense to anyone? probably not.

i just keep thinking that i have been given so much these last few monthes. SO INCREDIBLY MUCH. i cant help but expect for it to all come crashing down. im so pessimistic and it pisses me off.

<3 Anne

nataliebryant @ 2002-10-02T21:53:00

2002-10-03T02:57:31Z

I am so sorry.... I neglect this thing like you wouldnt believe... I've just been so busy with life. And loving life. In case you don't know, My husband and I made up. It felt good to have him come to me and appoligize. I can't stand when we fight. We basically divide the house and stay in our sections. We didn't talk for about a week. It was horrible. I feel like my baby is going to arrive very soon. It is early but they told me not to do any traveling in air and I didn't exactly pay any notice to it. I am stubbern what can I say?I'm very eager to finally get him out of me and be able to look at this little life that has been growing inside of me. I can tell my husband is also very excited.

I know that you all probably hate me because of my short updates. I hate it too.... But I just can't think of what to say. Everything is great. I guess this is when you would use the word "peachy".

<3 Anne